Well it seems that after another few days of phone calls and legal consultations, he has decided to take the fight to her as it were. This apparently gives him hope that the law will reinforce its orders this time and hold her accountable for her contempt of the law. I know this is important to him ... clearing ones name and honour are always important, nevermind the chance to see his children,  so I can't nay say him and tell him not to do this.

I selfishly look at this and see a future with 2 children who are likely to fear or dislike me just because I know N will not like me ... I see having to deal with these damaged kids in a family setting, a distressing future. I work with special needs individuals, some who have been damaged by their 'loving' family - I know the challenges ahead of me.

I have to remind myself that the future comes with a cost and everyone comes with baggage ...

***

On another note ... I found this and liked it:

We've been talking a lot lately about which road to take ... keep the flag flying and end up bankrupt by trying to pay 2 lawyers, a spiteful wife and child psychologists to repair the damage done by said spiteful wife in hopes of seeing the children again - its been 3 years since the last visit (despite all efforts to the contrary); or swallow the bitter pill of never seeing the children again or the spiteful wife, and just file for a divorce and a future. I don't relish P the final decision he has to make.

I think walking away is the better choice, even though the heartache of giving up is going to be unbelievably bitter ...  could I do it? I don't know. N is so full if hatred that she has vowed to make him pay for as long as he lives, how do you contend with that? How do you raise your children with any semblence of normalcy when every hug or time-out is called into consideration .... how can you be a loving parent when someone is just waiting for you to make a mistake? Its gotta be so damn hard.

I despise women like her ... she wants nothing to do with P, but swears if he divorces her she'll take everything she can, including any future pensions & plans ... why? Her response in court is "because I can". I'll be honest and say outright ... I don't want her in my future. I don't want her greed and hatred taking my childs college fund. I don't want her spite to stand in the way of our future - at 40 years young, I've already gotten the boots from Life a time or two, I've been pushed down and walked on in Life and I think I've earned and deserve the chance to be happy.

I've wept more in the last couple of weeks then as many years ... I feel as though I am being scrubbed to the bone in every way. I want to push back.

Feeling physically unwell lately with headaches and dizziness. Some of it is seasonal - weather shifts can merit a low grade migraine that lasts for days, some of it is stress and I need more exercise. I want to try yoga and thai chi, I think these might do me a bit of good and its a transferable skill that I could use at work - teaching children how to take care of themselves is a good idea in my books.

Anyways, I gotta sleep
... keep smilin'

There are days when all you can do is hold firm and not give in ... not give in to the flailing child who has learned that hitting equals not having to meet the expectation applied to him, and someone who does not have the expressive language to tell me he is sad, mad or just tired. So yeah there are days when you simply are the rock in the storm, you get hammered but slowly, oh so slowly the rock steady determination remains. Despite the imagery of that kind of statement or its truth ... I am not a patient woman. A fast learner and able to acess a situation almost immediately and deal with it ... yes. Patiently wait for a child to exhaust herself on me... no. Today was a test of Wills, plain and simple. Yeah yeah, I'm the adult and its not supposed to get to there, but in reality ... human nature drives it there. My job is to give people the tools to succeed and realize their potentional, that means teaching them the how & why as well. I don't expect the children to obey unthinkingly, I expect them to ask and understand why certain behaviors are needful and why others are not. The real bottom line is that no matter what the state of ones birth is or who has raised you, I believe in positive potential - EVERYone makes a difference. I tell myself this sometimes when my own stress or exhaustion threatens to overwhelm me and it brings me back on track and keeps me standing when its needed most.

keep smilin' and bear in mind ...

I used to have a 'voice' that demanded pen & paper ... I once wrote about politics, religion, myself & others, I wrote poetry and stories of all kinds. But somewhere along the way Life has silenced me. When did this happen? When did the stories and the poetry fall away ... when did the internal bard fall silent? Its been 2 or 3 years since I wrote anything not related to Work or Craft, how did it become so encompassing? I find myself missing it and yet it seems so difficult to rediscover - even writing this blog is proving difficult. Who is it for anyways ... me? you?

Theres a running monologue in my head at any given time of the day, I'm constantly thinking about something. I used to joke that when it came to meditation there was no 'inner silence' for me because I never shut up.... inside or out! lol if you can't hear me its often because I'm thinking and talking with myself, then after I've had that go'round then I'll talk to anyone willing to listen! And yet ... its become a struggle to create the expression that feels like a rising tide within - a silent one at that. I'm struggling to reinvent myself, it is such a needful thing. One of the things I want back in my life is the prose and poetry that were so much a part of me for so long. I feel like something is missing. So I'm hoping that this blogging ... will help awaken the Muse that sleeps.

Lets see ... in honour of what once was and will once again be ...